Maybe I over analyze things. Maybe I’m just a introvert. I’m not sure, but either way I don’t like that about myself; I hate it actually. It doesn’t feel normal and it feels like nothing I do is right. And I feel like if I AM doing something wrong, I’ll feel like an idiot who doesn’t know how to do anything on her own. If I never had this feeling I wonder how much I can actually achieve. I seriously ponder upon the extent of my abilities sometimes. I know its not healthy for my own mental and emotional health. Maybe I rely too much on others? After all, I was always ignored and I followed what everyone else did just to be normal. I’m still not sure what it’s like.
I’m so unsure of everything. Have you noticed? That’s how freaking lost I am in this world. I have no idea who I am, what I’m good at, or what I want. So far, the only thing that I want is to know what success feels like. Every other time I’ve come to success it was always with someone’s help. I don’t have any serious role models in my life to tell me what to do or get me on the right track. Everyone I find myself close to, I always feel a greater distance and I cant help but think its my fault and I’m just a bother or an idiot.
I doubt myself a lot. It’s what I do and it’s the only thing I know how to do so far.
Don’t mistake these thoughts for depression or loneliness or abandonment or abuse or emotional distress. I promise you, it’s not. The best I can describe it as is that I feel I’ve lost something a long time ago, I lost it and I keep searching for it. Without it, I just feel stupid and lost. It’s not longing for love; It’s not a physical being or object that I obsessively search for. It’s something else and I feel like I can’t find it unless I figure out what I want and who I am.
I Forgot.
I forgot what it was like to actually express my emotions to anyone. I don’t recall a time when I open heartedly told someone what was stirring my thoughts. I’m living in a state similar to sleep paralysis where I want to scream and shout and call for help but my lips make no movement.
God, my uncle is a fucking douche.
He fucking ran off on my uncle when he was behind in the rent. Mother fucker left before my uncle came home from work. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re so fucking pathetic. You seriously just ran away from your fucking problems like you always do. I feel fucking ashamed to have the same damn blood as you. The moment you come to California again to pick up your shit I swear to Bob you better not fucking start shit with the family. We’re going through enough shit without you here so fuck off, mama’s boy. If Auntie Marsha backs you up I will fucking blow my fucking top off.
Useless piece of shit.
My mom posted a picture of j.cole on her facebook.
with a quote on it… tf?
Fear.
…Found out my cousin committed suicide today… I didn’t know him that well but may he rest in peace. It’s really hard for my family to take in the news. Twice in one family is way too many… And it’s horrifying. There really is more to this issue than what most people think.
Oh.
So last week in my administrative justice class, we began to discuss same sex marriages. After asking the students what they would do if they found out if their son is gay, a few students replied saying: “Hell no! I’ll beat his ass straight”
Hearing this, My teacher questions: “So you think being gay is a choice? Do you think that people just wake up one morning and say: ‘I think I’ll be gay now’?”
In which they replied: “Yes.”
My teacher went on asking these group of girls questions and their replies were to beat their child so that he had to end up being straight, or disowning him, or having their “daddy and cousins” beat their child up.
My teacher was asked in return what he would do if his son turned gay, and he replied by telling the girls that he’ll accept it. He tried his best to explain to these girls that once we have children all we would want for them is to be happy and that by torturing your child will only make them resent you.
If you can’t even accept your child for who they are, don’t even say that you want kids.
"I do hair so I know a thing or two about blending things in. Nah sayin’? See you got bars with make up so I trust you to make me beautiful. I see hella girls with hella make up on and shit that isn’t blended and I’m like “Nah honey, better take that shit off or practice."
On another note.
I’m just going to straight up mention his name because frankly, I don’t give two fucks about it. But Gerardo you need to stop. You start all this bull and talk hella mess about the fucking cast like you have a say in how our behavior is. Bitch, Please. Just because you sold some fucking apples in Annie doesn’t make you THE shit. “I would take my sweet ass time choosing cast and crew”? What the fuck are you talking about? We’re perfectly fine as we are. In fact, she did choose the right people because tonight just proved that. OH. And you want to say how you’re such a super fucking amazing singer and actor when you really just suck balls in the entertainment area. I’m sorry, but this was none of your business in the first place. It’s the actors responsibility, yeah. So let it be their responsibility and stop being so fucking nosy. Take your fucking fb status and get off our nuts. We all didn’t like you anyways so parting with you would be a blessing.
